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[Jun. 7th, 2007|08:04 am] |
Well. I 'm off to our big annual camp out. My NA group puts together this function every year, it's gone from just a few addicts sitting around a bonfire to upwards of 400 people congregating for 3 days and 4 nights. We ask for donations and usually collect enough to do it all again next year. There's karaoke, live blues, a volleyball tournament, a tremendous river float, imagine hundreds of people in recovery in tubes, no one drunk and stupid and acting obnoxious, but still laughing and having fun. We BBQ for days, everyone has plenty to eat, we provide water slides for the kids, sell merchandise and souvenirs, have gigantic recovery meetings, etc. It's the first function I went to when I got clean and it was life changing in that it taught me that life could be enjoyable and light hearted without numbing my brain and poisoning my body. This will be my 7th one in a row.
Lately I don't feel as comfortable on LJ, it's not as relate-able as it was at first. I find myself not commenting with the same energy as I once did, and so much sounds like immature whining, including what I post personally. I often roll my eyes as I scroll down thinking, oh grow the fuck up, you are not the center of the universe, no one cares if you gain or lose five pounds but you, get the fuck over yourself. Contempt, judgementalism, impatience, and snark are replacing identification and empathy.
I got really impatient with a post/comment about atheism at one point. Coming from a 16 year old such as it did, it seemed frustratingly naive, but still...... It's hard to put what I feel about God into words, but it has nothing to do with religion. I have a god of my understanding, because I choose to have faith, and it comforts me to believe that there is a power greater than myself, and that everything is not to be intellectualized to death. I pride myself on an analytical mind, but I have thought my self in to great piles of shit and to only rely on thought is an arrogant thing indeed. Sometimes my heart has to guide me, irrational as it seems to some. I feel like the goal of the atheist train of thought is to prove the non existence of god through scientific argument, and to prove that belief is the symptom of weakness of mind. Well fuck you. I choose not to have everything documented, if that comforts me, helps me make better decisions, and makes me a kinder more tolerant person, than why kill it with dissection.
So, that's my rant.....I really had a lot more to say about it, but I can't think very eloquently at this point, therefore what I write sounds maudlin, quasi- mystical and muddied.......I will ask god to clarify it for me...he he....
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. This function, called Recovery on the River, always helps to restore my faith, misled or not, that people are striving to be better, kinder, more decent to each other and the earth, and that life is indeed about progress rather than perfection......thank god, who DOES exist, at least for me. |
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