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friedapearl

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Shit happens....... [Jun. 18th, 2007|10:09 am]
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So. One of my friends who is a nurse in recovery, (or was..) was caught at the clinic she works at for stealing and injecting nubain, which I assume is some kind of opiate. She's been in trouble before and the DEA was involved until charges were dropped. Since then she's had a child, supposedly stayed clean, and attended her  board meetings for nurses in recovery. Now she's in deep shit again. Another nurse I know was recently escorted off the floor DURING her shift, and fired. No warning, no leave, just here one minute, gone the next. Still another nurse, who only graduated a couple years ago, was called into the nurse manager's office for behaving erratically, slurring her words and looking disheveled and unsteady. She is now being scrutinized by the board.

Damn. I'm about to start nursing school, and I am a recovering addict, and this worries me. These were all intelligent, ambitious, strong women that I admired a lot. They loved their jobs, they had wanted to be in health care, they had worked hard to get where they were... So what the hell happened?

These women, who I respected, were in positions of responsibility for people's lives, any of whom could have been one of MY loved ones, or me, for that matter.
I understand better than anyone how easy it is to fuck up, and then once the seal is broken, to keep fucking up, until disaster forces you to stop.

How am I any different?
It's some scary shit.

In other news, I feel bloated and disappointed with myself, but determined to change my ways. I sat in front of this screen for many wasted hours stuffing my face and fucking around in that community, thinking I was making a difference. Ah, arrogance. It has merely allowed me to sink deeper into my self hatred, immobilizing any potential for change.

Time to get my shit together. Next semester, and for the next two years, my schedule is BRUTAL.

I do not want to end up like my friends. It's heartbreaking, for them, their kids, their families and the people who trusted them.......I hope I am strong enough.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: [info]cafe_dulce
2007-06-18 04:09 pm (UTC)

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I am sure that you will be different.
I am not saying that you are better, but maybe you are and you will be.
I think that you will be amazing and a great addition to any office/hospital/nursing home you work in.
Try not to fret my love.
[User Picture]From: [info]friedapearl
2007-06-18 04:22 pm (UTC)

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Thank you. I just feel so all over the place right now, I don't trust myself. I think I will be alright now.
[User Picture]From: [info]cafe_dulce
2007-06-18 07:54 pm (UTC)

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I understand how you feel though. I mean not to sound like every other damned kid in the world and crap, but I am a first generation college student. All my friends are dropping out or dropping their standards (one of my friends went from pre-med to business management because it is easier) people are just failing all around me, but I am choosing to be the best damned me I can be and that is going to be me finishing school and going to law school. For you it is your nursing program. You can choose to be better than those around you. You are such a strong and wonderful woman Frieda, my faith in you has never faltered.
From: el_distorto
2007-06-18 07:19 pm (UTC)

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You have the ability to be different, and maybe the fact that you are showing such concern for the issue presently is indicative of how conscious of the potential dangers you are, and through your awareness you will be able to avoid any potential mishaps. You're tough, you can do it-put yo' ass into it!
[User Picture]From: [info]nakedemperor
2007-06-18 09:05 pm (UTC)

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have faith in yourself love, i have faith in you.
[User Picture]From: [info]perfxcked
2007-06-18 09:43 pm (UTC)

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you are. if anybody can it'd be you.

I sure do love ya babygirl.
[User Picture]From: [info]dancemaryjane
2007-06-22 08:10 am (UTC)

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Wow, reading this post made me think about things, a lot.

I'm starting nursing school this fall, also. And, I am also a recovering addict. It's only been a little over four months since my last relapse, and it's still a daily struggle. I never even thought about how it would effect me in the nursing world.

I really enjoyed reading this post, though. I've had so many friends that get clean and are SO against it, and seem so strong about not wanting anything to do with opiates ever again, and so quickly fall back into their little junky lifestyle.
I'm constantly afraid that I am going to end up being exactly like them.

I'm rambling. Sorry.
By the way, I'm Bonnie. It's nice to meet your livejournal.
[User Picture]From: [info]friedapearl
2007-06-22 01:34 pm (UTC)

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Glad to meet you! I 'm sorry you had a struggle recently but you sound very strong. Maybe we can offer each other some support during the next couple years. It's awful what's happening to my friends right now, as hard as they've worked, as far as they've come. I try to think of it as a cautionary tale, and it jars me into remembering where I came from. Keep me posted, Bonnie.