friedapearl

Here we go......

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 03:26:10 GMT

I went and added everybody who added me, (mostly everybody) and due to some uneasiness on my part and to protect those of you on my friends list, I've chosen to lock my entries. If you want to be added, just drop a comment. Sorry, I never wanted to do this, but, you know.......

first day jitters

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 09:54:41 GMT

It is 4:45 am. I popped awake at 4. Today is my first day of nursing school. I haven't quite finished the first reading objectives but I did most of it.

aaaargh.

Orientation was a roomful of mostly nervous skinny bitchy girls and a few of their even bitchier mothers.
As you know, sometimes I can be a bit prickly and maybe even a teensy bit outspoken......
Let me just get along and not get caught up in the hype.
Love you all........

Happy Birthday Eva

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 06:24:40 GMT

My sister Eva would have been 45 years old today (or rather yesterday, I was too sad to think about it all day)

She was beautiful, she was golden, she was good.

I miss her incredibly. I can't find the pics I want to show all of you.
But that's her in my icon.

I talked to my dad today. He was very quiet. He is too old for this kind of pain, he said. We should be preparing for him to go, not blindsiding an old man with our sudden demise. We laughed together, softly over this.

But it's not funny. I don't want him to die, but I suppose i was more accepting of that scenario than Eva being struck down like she was.
So was he.

I'm sad and I miss her.
Good night.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 14:37:21 GMT

First I want to apologize to those on my friend's list whose posts i usually always comment on, for my self-centeredness and neglect. Charlie and Brett, this means you.....
I've been sleep deprived, nervous about school, and feel brain addled, often without a coherent thought to add.
I picked up my nursing books yesterday, they are sitting in a huge, malevolent, intimidating pile on the desk next to me. Eeek.
I got some of the immunization shots I need for clinical rotations yesterday. I actually like getting a shot, and blood samples give me even more of a rush. I'm freaky like that.
I've been getting up at 4:30am the last couple days, trying to get my body used to the different and grueling schedule I shall be assuming.
There's seems to be something bordering on fat-bashing on the purg lately. It disturbs me, maybe because I'm feeling so much frustration about my daughter's weight and her attitude about it....But what should I have expected, I am fucked up, and such are genetics.
On that front, I have been losing weight, which is disconcerting in that there is no formula, it's like fucking black magic. A pound a day since saturday.....how long can that go on before you like......die? Of course, were it moving in the opposite direction, that wouldn't be a question because I may have already killed myself by now.
Just kidding.....

thegoldenvision is supposed to see gigglethrough today at the hospital.
I look forward to an update from Kat....

I'm worried about my husband. It;s been brutally hot, and he's been busting his ass on a metal roof this week. He comes home practically catatonic, barely eats, and falls into a coma like sleep by 8 or 8:30.

I love all of you, hope life is good....

angsty type shit.

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 14:12:57 GMT

Thought I would post here for a change, I will most likely be around a lot less when school starts, I plan to spend as much time as possible at the library because I have a habit of getting distracted by bullshit here at the house....LJ will be taking a back seat, it has to.
I was pretty intimidated when i left orientation yesterday......They made it sound like we were bucking for a Nobel prize, just to get through nursing school. Sometimes I wonder if there really is a point to this, that maybe I should stay home and just be a wife, mom, and help run the business. But the thought is stifling.
This busybody bitch at the gym yesterday was marveling at how "everyone" is going into nursing and my goodness, you'll all be working at Target waiting for jobs to open up.....I wanted to knock her off the treadmill.
I'm feeling angry about a lot of shit I have no control over.
I'm upset that gigglethrough felt so utterly worthless and alone that she found no reason to keep breathing another day.
I'm glad she's ok, but what now.....?
It makes me squirm, after meeting some of these coozes in my class, that they might actually be caring for my goldfish one day, let alone my father or sister or husband. Yikes.
It pisses me off when eating disordered women, especially those who are young and childless, jump up and down in glee when their period stops. I fucked myself up to the point where I was 35 before I was able to maintain a pregnancy, and that was touch and go. Losing your period ages you, and ultimately you will have the bone density of an 80 year old woman by the time you are 30.....I don't care if this makes people mad ,this is my journal. defriend me if you don't like it.
I'm angry that the most time consuming "hobby" I have is unproductive, dangerous and disgusting.
I "only" do it once a day, so why can't I just stop?
I should be exited, I have a full scholarship and extra financial aid, I will hopefully have a career when it's all said and done.....I think I'm just insecure about my abilities, and afraid of the ol' self-sabotage kicking in.
I need to go to the gym and sweat it off, with earphones at the ready so I don't have to talk to anyone, go to my dentist's office, etc etc.
Do the deal, get through the day.......

long overdue update

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 13:36:43 GMT

I haven't posted here for a while, I'm so busy trying not to miss anything on the vast theatre that is LJ that I neglect my own internal dialogue. Story of my life. I went to bed after 1am and was up before 7, so today will be a splendid day.
Some people are stuck up and a little too politically correct for me. I, personally, think it's ok to make inappropriate jokes and references as long as it's in the spirit of fun. How fucking careful do we always have to be anyway.
The world needs to lighten up.
Sorry for the cryptic-ness, but god forbid a fight ensues.
I'm jewish and italian, have at me if you'd like.
guessmyweight is starting to annoy me. Why I'm even a member I don't know, except to defend a friend or two here and there when something bitchy is said, but who really cares? "weight obsessed dimwits" is how one other disgruntled member described it. I never post and rarely comment and the community takes up a worthless space in internet-land......but yet i continue to lurk....why?
And who really cares what I think anyway?
I'm going to have to put LJ in a much less prominent position in my life when school starts, along with some of my other......vices. So best to get it all out of my system now, right?
Right.
And......onward.

Happy Anniversary.......?

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 15:33:20 GMT

Tomorrow, unless the world ends today, will be our 12th wedding anniversary. We've actually been together for 14 1/2 years, but we decided to make it legal after i found out I was pregnant in '95......Family pressure, catholic instinct, whatever.
Considering the example set by my parents, (married and divorced multiple times each) and the comparison to friends my age (most on their 3rd or 4th by now) I think that's rather impressive.
We have drifted apart, oh sappy cliche that it is!!! Doesn't make it any less true.
In my younger years, I was constitutionally incapable of fidelity, not proud of that, just stating a fact.
I've done pretty well since tying the old knot, but I'm feeling.....restless.
Possibly out of loneliness and insecurity, mid-life angst, encroaching mortality , blah blah blah
My husband needs to step up his game a little.
But I need to do my part too.....
He's consumed by work/money/business issues lately, which doesn't help his already abrasive personality.
I want to help, but not sure how.

Anyway, boring.
I love the new community. There are members who are smarter than me, which is a good thing, except that I don't get to feel superior and fashionably exasperated there, as opposed to other places I spent too much time in.
My house needs cleaning.

to all my bitchezz....and boyz

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 00:11:29 GMT

there's a new community just formed and you're all invited.....absque_hoc It's in its infancy but has the coolest mod ever...no not me you crazy kids! *modest shrug* ok, so maybe she's the second coolest mod you could ever have....Any way, check it out, much intelligence and hilarity will be soon to follow!

warning:boring update

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 15:08:27 GMT

I'm probably not getting enough sleep lately, I've been getting to bed around 2 or 3 and can never sleep past 8. This is the first summer in ages that I haven't had to work and take classes, so without those commitments, I feel slow and lazy. I manage to get to the gym, half ass clean my house, desultorily run errands, talk on the phone and of course, fuck around on LJ ad infinitum......I owe emails, el_distorto, I promise I'll sit down and continue our discussion, I feel braindead and incoherent lately, like I have nothing interesting to say. Maybe it's fatigue, maybe it's depression, maybe I'm just a slug....
All I know is, I need to get with the program. Nursing school is going to be about getting up at 5:30 or 6 every morning, so as to get the kid to school, try to work out, get myself to class, and study.
I haven't even done my financial aid/ scholarship paperwork, and it's mid june for christ's sake.
Am I trying to sabotage shit on purpose?
It makes me tired to try to analyze it.
I'm on my period for the second time in a month, what the fuck is that about?
For all of you that are plagued by PMS, you should try this peri-menopausal hell I've been in for the last few years....
I have stopped weighing myself, I seem to get less psychotic when I stay off the scale.
I work out pretty consistently every day, 30-60 minutes cardio, 20-30 minutes strength training.
My sex life is floundering, it scares me. Nothing like a dwindling libido to remind you of impending dotage and inevitable mortality.
How uplifting,maybe I should become a motivational speaker or something.
Ho hum........

About the purgatorium......

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 15:33:27 GMT

I can't seem to stay away, and I'm sure people are sick of hearing me whine about it.....What I've realized: I don't want to be that person that sets the tone. I just want to be a member, not a voice. God that's the most egocentric sentence ever uttered but I'm not sure how else to put it! One person said something that was probably meant as a compliment but nonetheless made me cringe a little...that she thought of me as the "face of the purgatorium".....eek. I don't want to come off as the sarcasm wielding matriarch who intimidates little girls. Fuck! How did this happen.....?

I have so little control or ability to get people to listen to me in the real world, it's laughable really, how much my family/inlaws/friends run me around like an idiot, that maybe sub-conciously I relish the big bitch leader role I ineptly created here on the internet. God help anything I'm all of a sudden in charge of....

Maybe I can just benignly comment a while without posting....ooops, too late! I just made some pathetic little post today!

God, I REALLY need to geta life.....

Shit happens.......

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 15:29:21 GMT

So. One of my friends who is a nurse in recovery, (or was..) was caught at the clinic she works at for stealing and injecting nubain, which I assume is some kind of opiate. She's been in trouble before and the DEA was involved until charges were dropped. Since then she's had a child, supposedly stayed clean, and attended her board meetings for nurses in recovery. Now she's in deep shit again. Another nurse I know was recently escorted off the floor DURING her shift, and fired. No warning, no leave, just here one minute, gone the next. Still another nurse, who only graduated a couple years ago, was called into the nurse manager's office for behaving erratically, slurring her words and looking disheveled and unsteady. She is now being scrutinized by the board.

Damn. I'm about to start nursing school, and I am a recovering addict, and this worries me. These were all intelligent, ambitious, strong women that I admired a lot. They loved their jobs, they had wanted to be in health care, they had worked hard to get where they were... So what the hell happened?

These women, who I respected, were in positions of responsibility for people's lives, any of whom could have been one of MY loved ones, or me, for that matter.
I understand better than anyone how easy it is to fuck up, and then once the seal is broken, to keep fucking up, until disaster forces you to stop.

How am I any different?
It's some scary shit.

In other news, I feel bloated and disappointed with myself, but determined to change my ways. I sat in front of this screen for many wasted hours stuffing my face and fucking around in that community, thinking I was making a difference. Ah, arrogance. It has merely allowed me to sink deeper into my self hatred, immobilizing any potential for change.

Time to get my shit together. Next semester, and for the next two years, my schedule is BRUTAL.

I do not want to end up like my friends. It's heartbreaking, for them, their kids, their families and the people who trusted them.......I hope I am strong enough.

Here we are, looking almost normal....

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 15:07:05 GMT

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 15:02:29 GMT

Well, I got the acceptance letter from nursing school. As I read the page, my happiness dissolved into anxiety. They are doing a background check. Of course I knew this was coming, no use in crying like a little bitch over it now, as my husband so supportively stated, but still.....
I've made some major mistakes in my life, and deservedly, had to pay dearly for them. But I am hoping my dues are up to date.
I really want this. For myself, my family, and because it would have made my sister so happy. I want to work in public health, possibly in the penal system. I want to offer healthcare for people who otherwise haven't been able to get it.
I can act all virtuous and altruistic about it, but the simple truth is that if I don't make my life worth something to other people, and am not able to give back to a world I have leeched so much from, then I m back to being an empty woman, looking for various substances to fill me up.
I know better than to put all my eggs in one basket, but....here I am.

I'm going up there later today to finish the paperwork, but first I'm going to run a few miles and go to the gym for some much deserved penance.......

Randomness

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 14:01:52 GMT

While perusing the purg, I just read a post bewailing the fact that Splenda does indeed have a calorie or two per packet. And OMFGZ!! 96 calories per cup *sob, gasp* (sugar has 770)

It is because of this kind of stupidity that I won't be posting there for a while.
Of course I'm not above torturing my tiny squeezed little mind by reading the shit. Maybe I'll grow some balls and X it off my friend's list.
If I was REALLY courageous, I'd just delete my entire journal and go fuck myself.

I now supposedly have all the cavities in my mouth filled, and am in the process of of bathing my new mouth with acid on a nightly basis, just for shits and giggles. Brilliant.

Where are you Charlie? and Chrissie? and Krista, I wish I saw more of you.....I'm grateful for cafe_dulce, and my gorgeous new friend tenderbeast, and ygdrasil, and obliviousme and em (can't spell that crazy username of yours darling, it's too early) and all of you whoare witty and wondrous and make my day go by faster.

I feel like I'm really fucking up, like I'm headed to someplace dark and my head is so filled with murk that I can't think straight...... I should be scared.

Hmmmmm

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:43:43 GMT

Thanks to everyone who responded to my question about medication....I have no health insurance, but there are options for a certified crazy-ass like me....

I miss my sister terribly today, for some reason....She's been dead for almost 17 months to the day, and it still knocks the wind out of me to think about it.

I'm taking some little girls swimming today, ages 10 and 11, but going on 25. Yikes. The reality of budding sexuality is disconcerting, I always thought I would calmly answer questions when it came to that but i find myself stuttering and stammering, while they stare, unblinking, and watch me squirm. It freaks me out to notice 13 and 14 year old boys glance at my daughter's changing body. I HATE teenage boys, I'd like to drown them one by one.....

I'm taking a break from the community(s), there seems to be either a lack of tolerance on my part, or an influx of rampant stupidity, or maybe a little of both. Anyway, it's not productive or supportive for me, or vice versa.

I'm too seasoned and cynical, and my patience wears thin. I'm just a mean old bitch, and it's too late to change.....I think I'll probably keep this journal for a while, we'll see........

Love you all.

Medication

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 13:14:04 GMT

I know this has been asked about before, umpteen times, but I've been thinking about going on some kind of medication to help with the b/p madness. I usually purge about once a day, but it's an agonizing, demoralizing effort, even though it's "successful" for the most part.....Once a fucking day, how hard would that be to give up? Near impossible it would seem.....I know Prozac is now being prescribed for bulimia, and some have had good results with Welbutrin, and they supposedly don't cause weight gain. I've googled , and wiki-ed the hell out of these things, but I trust what YOU guys have to say more than any random info on the internet.

I don't have health insurance, but I could go to public health for the referral, although I'd probably have to pay for my own meds.....which are no doubt expensive as hell.

Any thoughts, experience, advice?

Thank you darlings.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 13:35:23 GMT

Well. I 'm off to our big annual camp out. My NA group puts together this function every year, it's gone from just a few addicts sitting around a bonfire to upwards of 400 people congregating for 3 days and 4 nights. We ask for donations and usually collect enough to do it all again next year. There's karaoke, live blues, a volleyball tournament, a tremendous river float, imagine hundreds of people in recovery in tubes, no one drunk and stupid and acting obnoxious, but still laughing and having fun. We BBQ for days, everyone has plenty to eat, we provide water slides for the kids, sell merchandise and souvenirs, have gigantic recovery meetings, etc. It's the first function I went to when I got clean and it was life changing in that it taught me that life could be enjoyable and light hearted without numbing my brain and poisoning my body. This will be my 7th one in a row.
Lately I don't feel as comfortable on LJ, it's not as relate-able as it was at first. I find myself not commenting with the same energy as I once did, and so much sounds like immature whining, including what I post personally. I often roll my eyes as I scroll down thinking, oh grow the fuck up, you are not the center of the universe, no one cares if you gain or lose five pounds but you, get the fuck over yourself. Contempt, judgementalism, impatience, and snark are replacing identification and empathy.

I got really impatient with a post/comment about atheism at one point. Coming from a 16 year old such as it did, it seemed frustratingly naive, but still...... It's hard to put what I feel about God into words, but it has nothing to do with religion. I have a god of my understanding, because I choose to have faith, and it comforts me to believe that there is a power greater than myself, and that everything is not to be intellectualized to death. I pride myself on an analytical mind, but I have thought my self in to great piles of shit and to only rely on thought is an arrogant thing indeed. Sometimes my heart has to guide me, irrational as it seems to some. I feel like the goal of the atheist train of thought is to prove the non existence of god through scientific argument, and to prove that belief is the symptom of weakness of mind. Well fuck you. I choose not to have everything documented, if that comforts me, helps me make better decisions, and makes me a kinder more tolerant person, than why kill it with dissection.

So, that's my rant.....I really had a lot more to say about it, but I can't think very eloquently at this point, therefore what I write sounds maudlin, quasi- mystical and muddied.......I will ask god to clarify it for me...he he....

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. This function, called Recovery on the River, always helps to restore my faith, misled or not, that people are striving to be better, kinder, more decent to each other and the earth, and that life is indeed about progress rather than perfection......thank god, who DOES exist, at least for me.

Pile 'o' shit

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 22:56:29 GMT

I haven't b/ped in three days. Or shit, come to think of it. I took a zelnorm, that's always interesting...I feel like a land mine waiting to be stepped on, buried, volatile, and created for mayhem. I am not a 400 calorie girl, or truthfully, sometimes I am, but I'll be goddamned if I admit to it. There's something so simpering , chickenshit , anf Mary-Kate/Nicole about it.
I think I truly hate my marriage at the moment. It's purely fucking misery. And please spare me the flippant "well, leave then.." snippets of advice because it really doesn't fucking help right now....
Yah, I'm a bitter, nasty bitch, fuck with me at your own risk.......Grrrrrrr

Sat, 26 May 2007 17:10:49 GMT

Today.............I will:

not binge like a starving hyena with two stomachs
not stay on LJ too long
exercise, but not obsessively
stop worrying about what my husband is doing at the big degenerate biker blow-out on the coast
clean my nasty house
fold 8562534598 loads of laundry
pedicure.....
spend time with kid

try to not be a raving, hair twisting, patting, tapping, twitching nightmare.....

at least adhere to some of the things on the list.

Tue, 22 May 2007 14:58:38 GMT

So. Lately I find myself liking to look at pretty girls. Actually, it's more enjoyable when I'm having one of my "good" days ie; feel reasonably thin, wearing pretty clothes, well rested, yada yada....Is it mere aesthetics? O r some kind of unrequited sapphic lust? I don't think the latter, I don't fantasize about lesbian sex, more on the lines of sitting in a serene environment, while lithe nymphs float and dance around scantily clad. I look at beautiful men too. but if they catch me doing it , it then becomes a less passive game. I would rather be the objectifier than the object any day. Women will gaze back at me, and hold it unself consciencely for a beat, before looking away. No confrontation, all soft and safe.

Just thinking.....

Mon, 21 May 2007 04:03:02 GMT

I can't believe that some people actually think that someone deserves an eating disorder, just because they might ask irritating, tip seeking questions. I might have been sharp with wanas, but it's only because the thought of someone going through this particular brand of hell if i had half a chance of talking them out of it, is more than I could take. How fucking hard hearted and unkind do you have to be to wish that on anyone? Astounding, truly astounding.

Sun, 20 May 2007 14:56:43 GMT

So. In my long and varied experience with relationships, I've come to realize that partnership is the real key to success. Passion and mutual attraction may be the ignitor, shared interests and affection might be initial kindling, but that won't keep things working in the long run. When i say work, I've come to find out that if a marriage can run like a thriving and efficient small business, then you progress, have success, fulfillment , and achievement. We have no partnership, my husband and I. Sad, but true. I want to have my own sweet little house, a garden, a comfortable place for my daughter and I to bring our friends, relax, and have sanctuary. Instead, we own a house that we can't live in, because it's basically standing in ruin, depreciating by the day.
We live in a shabby little rented house, while my husband throws thousands toward expensive motorcycles, trailers in which to transport his toys, and fines that get levied against him when he refuses to pay his outstanding debts, like old child support arrears, medical bills, etc.

We don't want the same things, hence, an unsatisfactory partnership. I go to school, finally, in an attempt to make some of my fading dreams for my family materialize. He pays for none of it, I get grants and scholarships thank god. My father has paid my car insurance, my recent dental bills, and some old debts I had, for the past several years. I am embarrassed about the fact that my 77 year old father, who should be past worrying about his daughter's financial welfare, is still shelling out when my husband won't. I am seething in resentment, of course there are countless other reasons why my marriage is, in my mind, a failure, but this is already a stiflingly boring post so I'll spare anyone unfortunate enough to be reading this.
He is of course, oblivious. He has what he wants, hot meals, a reasonably attractive wife who will be a professional in a few years and will be the one to pay health insurance and start saving money, etc.
I have to get through school, but I'm wondering if I can last that long living like this. I don't know what to do, and don't suggest talking to him, been there , done that, utterly pointless.

My eating disorder helps me hide out from all this unhappiness, and also ignore it and do nothing. Change is painful and frightening, and requires effort. I don't know if I have it in me.
We've been together 14 years, and it's not that I don't love him, and respect the fact that he came from basically nothing, and put together a reasonably successful small business, but that doesn't change the fact that I am, for the most part, miserable.

Some people on LJ, and real life, suggest, naively, that I just leave. Well that would be great, I could move my child and myself out, drop out of school, get a bartending job, and stay with friends until i figured it out, but I'm not willing to put my daughter or myself in poverty again. I don't know. But I'll figure something out, I usually do.
If you actually read this dreary , whining, monotonous tome of mine, god bless you. I am grateful for much of what I have, don't get me wrong......I just think I deserve more.

Updaaaateee...

Sun, 06 May 2007 15:00:32 GMT

~Inspired by Charlie, I shall try to make this user friendly
~reviewed 10 chaps of A&P for exams so far, and not done yet
~did so sandwiched (ha, sandwiched) between bp's----go, me....
~some of these little hootchies that are new to the purg really need to read the fucking userinfo and the guidelines to the community because I'm cranky, bristling with self loathing and ready to get medieval on someone's ass..
~Paris Hilton is going to jail, which inspires me to fly to LA, commit an obnoxious petty crime, and get locked up with her for the sole purpose of making her my bitch for the week......good times.
~I miss chrissie and krista and of course, charlie.....
~I've actually lost weight, which freaks me out a little because nothing has changed and I still feel fat
~I now have 6 chaps of math and 4 chaps of psych to review.......by tomorrow
~I'm actually a nice person and a good friend even though I sound like a bitter raving bitch right about now....

SO TELL ME WHAT'S UP, MY BITCHEZZZZ.......

Not today...

Thu, 03 May 2007 13:49:45 GMT

I have one easy final today, two reasonably challenging ones on Monday, and the monster, A&P, on Tuesday 8 AM. My drop in grades this semester is a direct reflection of my preoccupation with food and the correcting thereof. I must not binge/ purge today. I cannot afford to be distracted. What a stupid reason to not do well at something so important to me.....

Hello........

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 15:27:00 GMT

I have been sadly neglecting this journal. It's so much easier for me to let myself get swept up in the drama of other chaotic lives, than it is to really take a look at my own. Final exams are approaching, and then I have the summer off. Then, nursing school. This will be the first time in my whole life that i have completely followed through on something that is for me, my future. It will also benefit my family. I've gone through much of my life feeling as if I did little else besides take up space, more of society's dead weight. I will be updating more often, my friends, aren't you thrilled? This summer I intend to: go to as many NA functions (conventions, camp-outs, retreats, workshops) as I can. They always fortify my faith in everything, make me feel like life is worth it, at the risk of sounding cliche. I have to finish my 6th step for my sponsor, that's 6 out of 12, and considering I'm 6 years clean I'm not exactly on the fast track here. But I want to get better, whatever it takes. I have a monster exam for A&P on Monday and it's not even the final, so I need to get my ass in gear.

Love you all.....